After Tuesday’s Down in the Dumps post, Pam took a few days to think and then asked me to be more specific about what I need for “my time.” She particularly took offense to the line where I said that she is never home, even though I let her off the hook in the following sentence. I didn’t mean it as a personal attack on her and I apologize if she took it that way.
But the fact of the matter is that there IS a significant difference between the amounts of free time that we both get. But it’s not her fault. In fact, if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. You see, Pam chooses to wake up early on Tuesday and Thursday mornings to go run with her friends. Her only free time that affects the family is on Wednesday evening and Saturday morning when she…runs with her friends. So other than making my Wednesdays REALLY long, I can’t really complain about Pam’s time away from the house.
One of the biggest problems I have with finding “me time” lies in the different definitions of what Pam and I constitute as “me time.” I think that Pam believes any time away from the family, whether it’s enjoyable and relaxing or not, constitutes “me time.” This works great for Pam because she lives to workout. All of her free time revolves around working out with her friends and she absolutely loves that. I like working out too, but I don’t love it. In fact, I’ve often told Pam that she “lives to workout” while I only “workout to live.” But Pam wants me to consider my workout time as “me time” even though I don’t enjoy it as much as she does. Since I found my workout partner, I have been enjoying my workouts much more, so this point is almost moot. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m close.
So what do I need in terms of “me time” to stay relaxed, less frustrated, and more patient with my kids and wife? Pam had a few great suggestions and here they are:
- Go to the gym 3X per week
- Golf once per week
- Blog at a coffee house once per week
- Date night with wife once per week
I added the date night to that list–I hope that Pam will appreciate it. If I were able to have all of these things on a weekly basis, then I think my life would be much more in balance and I would be a happier person. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I love my job. But everyone could use a few more breaks once in a while, couldn’t they?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you handled this marital negotiation quite well, Mac.
At various times in the blog, you’ve expressed an idea that you have about how other people relate to food and exercise, to the effect that some people never have to worry about what they eat, or never have to make time for exercise, and that you’ll never be one of those people. I think you’ve also described Pam as being one of those “naturally thin” people who can eat whatever they want, which is something you’re jealous of. But what comes across in this post is that Pam actually spends a great deal of time working out, and that part of what makes that possible for her is that it is her way of relaxing. (I don’t know what kind of doctor she is, but my experience has been that many doctors spend most of their time on their feet, walking all over the place, including miles and miles of walking every day in hospitals, which seem these days to be as big as aircraft carriers.) I’ve met very few stay-at-home parents who are terribly active — everything happens at the pace of the youngest child, which is verrrrry slowwwwwlllly.
When I read your down-in-the-dumps posts, I’m often struck by the circular loop of negative thinking you’re caught in. Ideas like “some people eat well without thinking about it,” or “some people are naturally thin,” or “eating well is never going to come naturally to me because my default is to eat crap” create an impossibly high wall to scale. One way of approaching this is to banish those kinds of thoughts, and substitute concrete actions for them. But another approach is to come to terms with just how wrong those thoughts are. I’m certain that if Pam stopped exercising, her weight would balloon. It’s just a a physiological certainty.
The attention that you’re placing on your diet and exercise put you in a class of people who are far better equipped to reach their diet and fitness goals than the average person. Your success so far is a testament to this. You have extremely effective strategies. Here are a few of them: 1) if you track your calories, you lose weight. 2) you blog regularly, which draws your attention back to healthy thinking and provides a counterpoint to your bad habits. 3) you have a running partner and a clear set of running goals. 4) you now have a workout partner for the gym, which makes it harder for you to avoid working out. 5) you have a clear understanding of situations that trigger bad habits: vacations away from home, dinner out with friends, unhealthy leftovers waiting to ambush you in the fridge, stress at home, feeling overwhelmed, being over- committed by child-care and household responsibilities.
Please tell us more about your workout buddy! This is two buddies now, right? T, for running, and X, for the gym? I totally support you in partnering with other people to hold you accountable.
Dan–Thanks for the positive feedback! I’m not sure what I wrote to make you think that I now have a gym buddy. T is currently my only workout partner. Currently, my gym time is solo. I’m hoping to get back with a personal trainer so that I can spice up my workouts a bit more. I’m pretty bored in the gym and would much rather be out running–even if it’s raining.
I think you’ve hit on a very pertinent problem here.
It’s especially difficult when you have a small kid and when both partners have limited time available. Workout time has to default to my time. I’ve reached the stage where my running is my time but it hasn’t always been like that.
Andrew–You’re totally right about workout time defaulting to my time. I’m still not quite to grips with that fact, but I’m getting there.